Glimpse

Earlier this month I recounted how my lad had harmed himself – having been wound up by his friend. ( here’s the story – Grand Central ) Things of course continued, why wouldn’t they? I did get a brief glimpse of how things could feel for my lad.

The day after Grand Central my lad blocked the other lad on social media. He realised how he had simply wound him up. This lasted a couple of days. As all young people, they are connected to several different outlets. The other lad found the one he had missed. He sent chatty messages, oblivious to what had happened previously. My lad must have said that I was pleased with him for blocking the other lad. Then the messages started to me. Just simple messages.

Why did I blame him for what my lad had done?
He hadn’t told him to do it.
Blah blah blah.

I ignored the messages. I didn’t block him as I need to have contacts and evidence in case anything happens in the future.

The other lad must have been hounding my lad. Then phone voicemail messages started on my phone. I listened to one. The other lad was really angry with me. If I had something to say him, I should say it him and not behind his back.

The other lad called again, I answered. He didn’t stop talking. He was agitated. Why didn’t I just say to him, instead of talking to others? How dare I say things behind his back. Who did I think I was. I waited. I didn’t say anything. Eventually, he said, that I couldn’t even say anything to him. I managed to say because he would not stop, to let me.

He stopped. I started. I was calm. I was measured. I was fully aware he has lots of issues too.

I told him I had not said he made my lad harm himself. My lad did it to himself. However, he wound him. He knows my lad’s issues, and he knows what my lad can do, but he didn’t stop hounding him. I told him I knew he had been saying things about my lads birth family, which was cruel.

Whilst I was at it – I said that I didn’t like him, he was not my friend. I don’t like being shouted at.
I went on to say that he has lied so many times to me that I do not trust him.

I finished by saying I wished my lad was not his friend, as I felt he was a bad influence, but I, unfortunately, can’t choose his friends.

He exploded. HOW DARE I TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT….
I ended the call…

There were many messages sent, and a few voicemails – all with the same barrage of verbal abuse. I left them. I didn’t respond

A few days later I was out shopping with my other son. We were at a junction waiting to pull out, when the other lad appeared, on his bike, at the side of the car.

He was screaming at me. I couldn’t pull out as there was standing traffic. He was screaming at me. I wound the window down. He was that angry he was breathless. He was screaming he didn’t tell my lad to do anything. How dare I say anything. How dare I ignore him. Why wasn’t I being an adult and talk to him? So it went on. Him screaming, getting more agitated. The traffic started to move. Someone let me out.

Unfortunately, he followed us, with the traffic moving slowly he kept up. I only realised when I got out the car at the supermarket. He was in front of me. On his bike. Still screaming at me. I got my bags out of the boot. He followed. Screaming and shouting at me. I did try to say something, probably, asking him to simply stop.

As we walked to the shop, a friend came out of the shop. The other lad was still shouting. My friend stopped to chat oblivious to what was happening, at first thinking it was a joke. I simply said the other lad was harassing me and I would get the police if he continued. That pressed his button. He was now furious. How dare I get the police, he had done nothing wrong.

I walked into the shop. I felt guilty having missed chatting to my friend. I went to apologise. She was in her car by now. The other lad sat on his bike. In the middle of the road. Starring at me. I chatted with my friend for a little while, she pulled off. The other lad moved out of the way, he blocked my entrance to the shop, so I walked round to another door.

After a while of shopping, I realised the other lad had seen our car. I asked the security if they had CCTV in case. I told them what was happening, we went outside to see if the other lad was still there. He had gone.

That was it. Nothing else. Not heard or seen from him since. Some other drama must have taken over.

He was extremely disturbing. He scared me. He was so angry. I had no idea why or how I could have made him THAT angry. I could feel my heart racing. I could feel the world shutting out. I was in fight or flight. I was scared he was going to attack me.

But, I was able to able to walk away. I was able to block it. I was able to rationalise that he was the problem, not me. He was angry. Not me.

My lad can’t see that. He thinks he is the problem. He thinks it IS his fault. His life is full of shame and blame.

Each day I learn more about how their past affects them still. Each day it still fills me with sadness. I try to see through their eyes. To see how it is to walk in their shoes. Sometimes, I get a glimpse.