I’m Sorry

I’m sorry my son set off the fire alarm, again, when it was raining and cold outside.

I’m sorry he disrupted yet another lesson.

I’m sorry you heard him swearing, and shouting.

I’m sorry you actually saw him thumping the wall with his fist.

I’m sorry he smokes.

I’m sorry he makes annoying random noises.

I’m sorry you have seen me, collecting him again from school.

I’m sorry I am exhausted, absolutely exhausted.

I’m sorry I don’t keep in touch as much as I should.

I’m sorry we don’t invite you round to our house.

I’m sorry that my child experienced and saw violence, before he lived with me.

I’m sorry before we met, his house burnt down.

I’m sorry that he moved 10, 15, 20 times, who knows? Who cares?

I’m sorry, before we met, he had filthy clothes that were too small.

I’m sorry that since I adopted him, I haven’t fixed him.

I’m sorry because he feels sorry, most of the time.

I’m sorry you think I should send him back.

I’m sorry I keep having to prove I won’t give up on him.

I’m sorry that you don’t see the amazing person I see.

I’m sorry.

 

Related links Hide and Seek? Marbles So much has happened. Nothing has changed.

Please join me on our journey, links at the top.

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13 thoughts on “I’m Sorry

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  1. This is heart breaking but I can so relate. When I used to work in the care system, I spent every day feeling frustrated by people not getting why I cared, why I didnt see there was no way “that kid” was going to change. They didnt see what I saw in everyone of those children. They ALL made progress in some way. People just had to let themselves see it instead of just their frustration and anger. I even felt embarrassed at times when they looked down on me for being “naive”. But now, I see those children as adults, that have stayed in touch, progressed in their own ways in life, to become such inspiring people. I’m sorry those teachers, carers, even psychologists couldnt see it x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What a really moving piece, I feel very emotion reading this. The lines that especially got me were “I’m sorry that since I adopted him, I haven’t fixed him.” and “I’m sorry because he feels sorry, most of the time.” For me there is so much guilt attached to these statements. I constantly regret that I cant make it better and that he always is having to apologise for himself. Thank you for sharing and sending another big hug.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Very moving and your exhaustion jumps off the page, well it would if it had the energy. People just see naughty children. Often they cannot conceptualise just what your son has been through and relate that to their own life experiences that haven’t “healed”. People think children can “get over” anything because they’re kids but I’d ask them if they could get over everything he’s been through. I’m sad that you have to be the parent who feels the spotlight on her every time she goes to school and how that must impact on you with school relationships with parents and teachers, and I’m sad for your son who is that child because I doubt he wants to be really. I’m sad for you both to be living in such pain and I doubt your pain is acknowledged. I’m sorry we can’t help fix you both xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. A big hug to you as an older adoptee with many foster siblings, I am constantly still saying sorry, I remember my mum constantly going into school , my younger brother , the pain and things you can’t explain, I’m sorry the world often doesn’t understand and judges and condemns.
    x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This brings tears to my eyes! I always tell my kids that there’s usually a reason kids are ‘naughty’ and that they have to cut them some slack and not be too quick to judge.
    You are an amazing mum!
    Thanks for linking up with the Britmums teen and tween round-up.

    Liked by 1 person

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